The 'Lean In' and 'Thrive' Dichotomy

Can we Lean In AND Thrive?

I'm not sure if it's a dichotomy, paradox or a conundrum, however I know it is an issue that I, and potentially many others, grapple with - can we actually both Lean In AND Thrive?

The summer before last I read the two aforementioned books back to back. I loved both of them, both Sandberg and Huffington "spoke to me". Or should that be, they "spoke to parts of me". 

Sheryl Sandberg very much spoke to the career me, the one that has refused to acknowledge any glass ceilings or ever take no for an answer. It appealed to the side of me that genuinely believes I can do whatever I want to do and I can be anything I want be. This is the side of me I uphold as important not just for me but as a role model for my young daughters,  the young people I teach and those that I work with. To me, this is about developing a kick arse sense of self-efficacy - a quality that I think is integral to success in the 21st century. 

But then the other part of me chimes in, usually when I feel exhausted and overwhelmed. Who am I kidding trying to do everything? Is the success worthwhile if it comes at the expense of wellbeing? This is where Ariana Huffington seems so right. You are right Huffy, I do need to look after me! It was also at this point that I also got a bit pissed off at Huffington...it always seems a bit rich when people extol the value of balance and wellbeing AFTER they have reached the peak of their career and have accrued a fortune in the process. It's all well and good to sit back and bloody Thrive after a few decades of Leaning In. 

I absolutely value my wellbeing and promoting the wellbeing of those around me, but it does beg the question - can we really Lean In and Thrive at the same time?

Well as I am not one to give up easily, I am giving it a bloody good go. Here's my plan for trying to achieve both. I like to think of it as a bit of a yin and yang approach -  fives things I do that, for me, equate to "leaning in" and five things that I do that I believe might help me "thrive". Notice the use of me and my, I recognise this is deeply personal and whilst I guess I do write this as advice, I also acknowledge that this will look different for everyone.

My 'Lean In' top five

1. Have a career plan and share it - from the first day on the job as a teacher I was clear about one thing, I was going to a Principal and I needed to know the best way to get there. I am a big believer that if you let people know where you want to go, they are more likely to point you in the right direction. All to often I see people get frustrated because they aren't being awarded with the positions they think they deserve - have you told people you want that position? Or did you expect them to pick it up my osmosis? I believe there is real value in articulating your goals and intended next steps. I also seek advice far and wide, if someone is in a role I hope to have some day, I ask them how they got there and what they learnt on the way. 
2. Share your passions and your practice - I believe many opportunities and invitations have come about because I do one thing regularly, I share. I share my ideas, my thinking and the work of those around me. I don't particularly worry if it's worthy, my theory is if people are interested they'll read it/watch it. If they aren't, they won't - this doesn't make the act of sharing any less valuable. When talking to students about the power of blogging I often highlight the status of "perceived expertise" you gain simply by writing about a topic on a public forum. Do it enough and you get invited to speak about what you write about and so the perception grows. I have been blown away by how often people appreciate what you share and that it often encourages others to share back. 
3. Ask to be included - don't wait for a freakin' gilded invitation. I have had the opportunity to serve on many educational reference/working groups. This is not a lucky coincidence. On many occasions I have contacted key people and key agencies and asked if I can be involved in some way. How can I help? Who should I contact? What do you need? Then what often happens is that one group leads to another, your capacity to join the dots and connect with key people increases with every group you participate in. 
4. Learn more stuff - one of the most unattractive qualities in a person is the belief that they have nothing more to learn or no interest in learning more. And this isn't about learning with a capital L, it's more about being curious and interested to learn more about anything. At present I am working my way through the world's longest Masters of Educational Leadership, it's slow and painful, but I am learning, learning stuff and developing resilience along the way. Learning also gives you more stuff to share, it's a win win really.
5. Say yes (most of the time) - if you are asked to do something or see an opportunity that may lead to more opportunities, then say yes! Unless you should say no ;) - see below. 

My 'Thrive' top five

1. Do something for me everyday - this used to be going for a quiet coffee before work, recently this has become a daily yoga session with my YouTube girl crush Adriene. Basically my theory is that I am way nicer to everyone else, if I am nice to myself.
2. Go to bed early - I given up trying to pretend I can work late into the night and be okay the next day. Now I go to bed and read a book at 9.00pm. It get's me offline and I don't seem any less productive (as a side note - I have also combined this with a magnesium supplement - Ultra Muscleze Night. The supplement has worked wonders for stopping my incessant worry list before I nod off - highly recommend it). 
3. Be unapologetic about putting family/self first outside work hours - I owe my beginning teacher mentor, Brian Lamb, for telling me very early on that a work/life balance will make you a better teacher - that the more rounded you can be, the more interesting you can be in the classroom. I relish my evenings, weekends and holidays as time for me, family and friends - I don't get the desire some teachers have to try and prove (particularly to non-teachers) that they work all hours/weekends/holidays. Of course I do work some of those times, but hell, I also cherish that a career in education means I can be both career focused and have time with my family - I encourage all of my non-education friends to consider the shift to education. It rocks. I definitely didn't get into teaching for the holidays, but I definitely appreciate them and intend to make the most of the flexibility they give me. 
4. Invest in date nights and entertaining with friends and family - I love good drink, food, movies and hanging out with my husband, my family and my friends. I love throwing myself head first into my career and am lucky enough to have a partner and family who supports me in teetering on over-committed at all times. My theory is you can never take this for granted, date night, family dinners and parties helps to ensure we don't all become passive-aggressive-passing-ships-in-the-night and also doubles as an opportunity to indulge in the things I love.
5. Say no (some of the time) - one thing I have learned in recent years is that it is okay, on occasion, to say no. Whilst I firmly believe that if I can do something, then I will. However I have also realised that if saying yes is going to take me away from my family, make me begrudge the person who asked or is likely to push me over the edge, then it's more than okay to say no. I used to be convinced I would miss out opportunities, but I have discovered that if you usually say "hell yes" and sometimes say "no", the invites still come. It is okay to be selective about opportunities, choosing to say yes to things that serve you as well as serving others. 

So there you go, definitely not rocket science and I am not sure it proves or disproves the ability the Lean In and Thrive at the same time - it's probably as close as I am ever going to get. Would love to hear your thoughts on this topic.

One final bit advice for anyone navigating their way through some attempt at work/life or life/life balance is this - what ever path you choose, I suggest you own it. And I mean REALLY own it. I don't believe there is any "right choice" and think we often waste precious energy defending our life choices, whether it be to be a working parent, stay at home parent, married, unmarried, coupled, single, wanting kids, not wanting kids, wanting cats, dogs or capybaras (note I WANT a capybara) to keep you company. My only real advice is to own your own brand of awesome and appreciate the choices other may make or hand they may have been dealt. 

And finally, be prepared to weather some flack for wearing your brand of awesomeness with pride, because as my husband so eloquently put it when I got a bit a flack - "some people are dicks" and quite frankly there is nothing you do about that.

References

Thrive: : The Third Metric to Redefining Success and Creating a Life of Well-Being, Wisdom, and Wonder by Ariana Huffington 

Lean In: Women, Work and the Will to Lead by Sheryl Sandberg 

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Holiday Reading Review - How to Thrive, Lean In and just basically be a #GIRLBOSS

I have been collecting books to read on my Kindle for some time now. Over the last seven days having time offline and being away from the house meant I finally got around to some much overdue reading. Interestingly there seemed to be a bit of a theme, a theme which could loosely be called "women kicking ass online". Whilst I didn't pick them (consciously) for this reason, it is interesting that the role models I have picked are all in the online tech world - Arianna Huffington being the person who established The Huffington Post, Sophia Amoruso being the women who established Nasty Gal clothing (originally an Ebay shop that is now a $100 million e-commerce store) and Sheryl Sandberg who is the COO of Facebook. What actually drew me to these books were their messages and in particular the messages they had for successful women. 

Arianna Huffington has been on my radar for some time, I have followed The Huffington Post for a while and I really enjoyed her TED Talk 'How to succeed? Get more sleep' where she talks about how we can sleep our way to increased productivity and happiness — and smarter decision-making. She was also a name that kept coming up as I began to look more and more into the idea of wellbeing and mindfulness. Maybe it was turning 40 last year or maybe it was the fact that the last few years have been feeling busier and busier and I have come to the decision that if I am going to continue doing all the stuff I love doing, I was going to have to look after myself as well. I have always thrived on being a super busy "yes" person. I also struggle to do just one thing - I love being at HPSS but I love it even more if I can also be on the NZ Teachers Council, NetSafe board and so on. I am invigorated by the diversity, the busyness and the challenge of constantly learning in each of my new roles. However I am also aware that I need balance, downtime and calm as well. On that level I thoroughly enjoyed Thrive. She really does touch on some very real issues we have now about being "connected" 24/7 and the way we seem to have festishized the concept of busyness. And to what end? If we don't have our health (and happiness) then what do we have anyway. On this level, Thrive reinforced what I have in place for my New Year's Resolutions and my thoughts expressed in Mindfulness and the Machine. BTW - I am really enjoying my evening switch off time and daily meditation. 

The second book I read was an entertaining read, #GIRLBOSS by Sophia Amoruso, in some ways she reminded me of a younger brasher Huffington. Both are American Greek Orthodox and make reference to their culture throughout their books. Amoruso, at 30, is less concerned with balance (I suspect she might write that book in another 20 years) and more concerned with being an individual. Her key messages (for me anyway) were that you needn't have qualifications to succeed (an increasingly common thought) and that you if you are willing to work hard you can do anything. She also likes to remind you to be proud of who you are and to let your "freak flag fly". Her story is pretty damn inspiring. As well as being being wry and witty it also makes some serious suggestions such as never taking out loans and always saving 10% of every pay check (whoops, not achieving those...unless KiwiSaver sort of counts?). I also like her attitude that shows the power of being brazen and working hard to prove yourself - before you get the promotion. She makes some excellent observations about her own generations' sense of entitlement and their expectation to be promoted and highly paid often before even proving themselves - I'm guessing Amoruso wouldn't touch them with a barge pole. As a teacher I really like this as a message to young people heading out into the world. We most definitely have a crew of #GIRLBOSSes at HPSS, I look forward to sneaking this book into their recommended reading list this year. 

The third part of my holiday week reading was an interesting compliment to the first two. In Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg encourages women to do just that - "lean in" and "sit at the (boardroom) table". By this she means that women need to stop doubting them selves and become leaders in the business world. It was interesting to read the statistics to see just how unequal women still are, in pay, power and influence. It was also interesting because it made me realise that my personal approach is already one of "leaning in" and most definitely "sitting at the table", heck if anything I have stop myself from dancing on the table. It was a good reminder that I probably need to not assume everyone is the same as me, and that as a female leader in education I need to ensure that I am encouraging (and creating opportunities for) other women to do the same. It was interesting too to have my attitudes challenged, - that if I simply refuse to acknowledge my gender to be an issue it is a defence mechanism and could actually stop me from seeing the issue for others around me. Even though I know equality for women is still far off, and I do still refuse to see myself as anything but equal, this book was a good reminder that it is still an important issue and whilst it hasn't affected me in my career (yet...I think) it may affect others or may even affect me in the future. The other message I took away from this book was that motherhood should never be a reason to slow down in your career (if you don't wish it to be). Again, I never doubted this myself and heartily agree with Sandberg that having children and leaving work at 5.30 doesn't mean you are any less committed or efficient. If anything having two children have only made me more efficient (helped by the fact that I have an ace husband who always made lunches and seen the girls off to school). However I did feel like Sandberg could take on a bit of Huffington's advice and find just a little more balance. I kept getting the feeling that her message was very much one written from slightly shaky ground of a pathological workaholic - great advice throughout, but needs to be taken with a dash of Huffington.

All three books were most enjoyable reads and read in such a short time frame seemed to form something a timeline or maturation of thoughts around women's success. Amoruso presenting a youthful slightly anarchic and aggressive view of how to get to the top, Sandberg encouraging us, somewhat feverishly, to get to the top and bring other women with you and Huffington rounding it all off with a more maternal calming tone to ensure we look after ourselves once we get there. 

Interestingly I feel like I have a foot (if you could have three) if each of their camps - still striving and scaling the mountain in my quest for greater leadership as Principal, Minister of Education, Prime Minister or possibly even Master (or should that be Mistress) of the Universe (and don't you worry I will most definitely let my freak flag fly when I get there) whilst also trying to find some balance and calm to ensure I enjoy the climb and enjoy the view on the way. 

I reckon I've got thriving, leaning in #GIRLBOSS written all over me. You?

Below are the book summaries from Amazon.

Thrive by Arianna Huffington

In Thrive, Arianna Huffington makes an impassioned and compelling case for the need to redefine what it means to be successful in today's world.

Arianna Huffington's personal wake-up call came in the form of a broken cheekbone and a nasty gash over her eye -- the result of a fall brought on by exhaustion and lack of sleep. As the cofounder and editor-in-chief of the Huffington Post Media Group -- one of the fastest growing media companies in the world -- celebrated as one of the world's most influential women, and gracing the covers of magazines, she was, by any traditional measure, extraordinarily successful. Yet as she found herself going from brain MRI to CAT scan to echocardiogram, to find out if there was any underlying medical problem beyond exhaustion, she wondered is this really what success feels like?

As more and more people are coming to realize, there is far more to living a truly successful life than just earning a bigger salary and capturing a corner office. Our relentless pursuit of the two traditional metrics of success -- money and power -- has led to an epidemic of burnout and stress-related illnesses, and an erosion in the quality of our relationships, family life, and, ironically, our careers. In being connected to the world 24/7, we're losing our connection to what truly matters. Our current definition of success is, as Thrive shows, literally killing us. We need a new way forward.

In a commencement address Arianna gave at Smith College in the spring of 2013, she likened our drive for money and power to two legs of a three-legged stool. They may hold us up temporarily, but sooner or later we're going to topple over. We need a third leg -- a third metric for defining success -- to truly thrive. That third metric, she writes in Thrive, includes our well-being, our ability to draw on our intuition and inner wisdom, our sense of wonder, and our capacity for compassion and giving. As Arianna points out, our eulogies celebrate our lives very differently from the way society defines success. They don't commemorate our long hours in the office, our promotions, or our sterling PowerPoint presentations as we relentlessly raced to climb up the career ladder. They are not about our resumes -- they are about cherished memories, shared adventures, small kindnesses and acts of generosity, lifelong passions, and the things that made us laugh.

In this deeply personal book, Arianna talks candidly about her own challenges with managing time and prioritizing the demands of a career and raising two daughters -- of juggling business deadlines and family crises, a harried dance that led to her collapse and to her "aha moment." Drawing on the latest groundbreaking research and scientific findings in the fields of psychology, sports, sleep, and physiology that show the profound and transformative effects of meditation, mindfulness, unplugging, and giving, Arianna shows us the way to a revolution in our culture, our thinking, our workplace, and our lives. (Source: Amazon)

#GIRLBOSS by Sophia Amoruso

The first thing Sophia Amoruso sold online wasn’t fashion—it was a stolen book. She spent her teens hitchhiking, committing petty theft, and dumpster diving. By twenty-two, she had resigned herself to employment, but was still broke, directionless, and working a mediocre day job she’d taken for the health insurance.

It was there that Sophia decided to start selling vintage clothes on eBay. Eight years later, she is the founder, CEO, and creative director of Nasty Gal, a $100 million plus online fashion retailer with more than 350 employees. Sophia’s never been a typical CEO, or a typical anything, and she’s written #GIRLBOSS for outsiders (and insiders) seeking a unique path to success, even when that path is winding as all hell and lined with naysayers.

#GIRLBOSS includes Sophia’s story, yet is infinitely bigger than Sophia. It’s deeply personal yet universal. Filled with brazen wake-up calls (“You are not a special snowflake”), cunning and frank observations (“Failure is your invention”), and behind-the-scenes stories from Nasty Gal’s meteoric rise, #GIRLBOSS covers a lot of ground. It proves that being successful isn’t about how popular you were in high school or where you went to college (if you went to college). Rather, success is about trusting your instincts and following your gut, knowing which rules to follow and which to break.

A #GIRLBOSS takes her life seriously without taking herself too seriously. She takes chances and takes responsibility on her own terms. . She knows when to throw punches and when to roll with them. When to button up and when to let her freak flag fly.

As Sophia writes, “I have three pieces of advice I want you to remember: Don’t ever grow up. Don’t become a bore. Don’t let The Man get to you. OK? Cool. Then let’s do this.” (Source: Amazon)

Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg

Thirty years after women became 50 percent of the college graduates in the United States, men still hold the vast majority of leadership positions in government and industry. This means that women’s voices are still not heard equally in the decisions that most affect our lives. In Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg examines why women’s progress in achieving leadership roles has stalled, explains the root causes, and offers compelling, commonsense solutions that can empower women to achieve their full potential. 

Sandberg is the chief operating officer of Facebook and is ranked on Fortune’s list of the 50 Most Powerful Women in Business and as one of Time’s 100 Most Influential People in the World. In 2010, she gave an electrifying TEDTalk in which she described how women unintentionally hold themselves back in their careers. Her talk, which became a phenomenon and has been viewed more than two million times, encouraged women to “sit at the table,” seek challenges, take risks, and pursue their goals with gusto.

In Lean In, Sandberg digs deeper into these issues, combining personal anecdotes, hard data, and compelling research to cut through the layers of ambiguity and bias surrounding the lives and choices of working women. She recounts her own decisions, mistakes, and daily struggles to make the right choices for herself, her career, and her family. She provides practical advice on negotiation techniques, mentorship, and building a satisfying career, urging women to set boundaries and to abandon the myth of “having it all.”  She describes specific steps women can take to combine professional achievement with personal fulfilment and demonstrates how men can benefit by supporting women in the workplace and at home. 

Written with both humour and wisdom, Sandberg’s book is an inspiring call to action and a blueprint for individual growth. Lean In is destined to change the conversation from what women can’t do to what they can. (Source: Amazon)

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Mindfulness and the Machine

Simply Being App

This is something I have been thinking about for a while, borne mostly out of my own bad habits of being "connected" and "online" for most of my waking hours. I suspect I am not alone. I love technology and I love it's capacity to provide instant information (and gratification) at the click of the button. In many ways technology allows me to be hyper-efficient - emails responded to quick smart, meeting minutes created and shared on the spot, sharing or rather over sharing every magic moment, meal and milestone instantly. In my teaching I was an exuberant early adopter of technology, embracing the way that it allowed me to make learning available 24/7, supported young people to share and publish rather than simply "hand in" work. When I am not teaching I am learning via this hyper connectivity, reading articles, blogposts, watching TED talks and connecting with educators around the globe via Twitter and Google+. When not learning, I am still online, shopping (ebay, Amazon and a Paypal account make it way too easy) or I am indulging in my passion for design and interiors, stalking folk on Instagram and creating mood boards for imaginary second, third, forth careers as a stylist, nutritionist and all round satorialwhore. In the fleeting moments left over I do manage Yoga once or twice a week, face to face offline sit down dinners with my family and read on yet another device - my Kindle. And I love it. I love the connections made, I feel like I learn constantly and get a huge amount of enjoyment from sharing as well. I genuinely believe our lives can be enhanced and definitely believe learning is enhanced and supported through this access to technology. 

But at what cost?

What are we missing whilst trapped in the magnetic glow of a laptop, tablet or increasingly our smartphones. One thing I have become increasingly aware of is the fact that I struggle to put down my device. My iPhone is more often than not glued to my palm, it's crappy battery life sending me into irrational panic attacks as I worry I might be forced to go offline - my God, how will I cope?! I also check, compulsively and mindlessly: my inbox, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram - what do I think I am missing in the five or so minutes that passed?? And what am I really missing as a result? Children are excellent at identifying the issue with my 9 and 10 year old daughters often pointing out that I am always on "that thing". I am also increasingly aware that I kid myself that I can effectively multitask and think I can conduct conversations with my kids and husband whilst staring zombie like at my LCD lover. And it's not just me. We are all doing it in this household. Whilst I'll admit I am the ultimate recidivist offender I do also note that it's increasingly common for all four of us to be subtly lit from below whilst pretending to watch "reality" TV. Zombie TV habits to support our zombie online surfing, or in the case of my three amigos, zombie game playing. I have also started to become aware of pretending I am having an actual conversation with my children or husband as I grunt and stare at the screen. My lucky family get to live with the lazy stereotype of a teenage boy - not ideal, I mean there's good reason for teenage boys not being Mums (no offence teenage boys...although I suspect you being part of my readership is slim). And it's not just my at home behaviour that is beginning to disturb me. It's the checking of my phone at traffic lights...it's not like I'm driving is it. Or the poor manners that have crept into my catching up with friends, family and colleagues - don't mind me, I'm just ignoring you whilst I just check my Facebook. Okay more like my Facebook, Inbox, Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, weather....and if you are really lucky I might even photograph my food and share it with the world. It appears my online habits have eroded something I hold dear, my manners.

So what now? They say recognising you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Step one nailed.

For me the next step is where the mindfulness comes in. Mindfulness is enjoying a genuine renaissance in the western world, both in the business and education worlds and I suspect it is no coincidence that this is occurring at the same time that we are reaching saturation point in terms of our technology use. Just as we have seen the "slow" movement grow as the pace of life increases to points of ridiculousness, so too are we seeing mindfulness come to the fore just as our behaviours become increasing mindless. However, I don't believe it needs to be about being overly reactive and shunning technology, I believe it is simply about being more mindful about how we make the best use of the technology. Excuse the sexist trash talk, but it really is time to ensure that technology is my bitch, not the other way around. This isn't about foregoing technology at all, in fact technology is incredibly powerful and closing the digital divide needs to be a huge priority. It is simply about ensuring that technology is supporting my attempts to be a well-rounded successful human being and not thwarting it by sucking my into it's digital void.

So how how can we ensure we have a more mindful relationship with technology? Well I am employing a range of strategies. Maybe it's the English teacher in me, but the first step has been reading up on mindfulness, Thrive by Arianna Huffington has been particularly powerful as it helps to hear from someone whose perspective is aligned to mine, someone who embraces technology and someone who has always relished being a hyper busy "yes" person (admitted she has took this to the next level somewhat...). I really enjoyed the way Huffington speaks from experience, names the elephants in the room and then suggests ways we might challenge the status quo. A highly recommended read.

The second way I am tackling my marriage to the machine is by putting in place a few ground rules: switching off by 7.30-8.00 at night, leaving my phone in my handbag at cafes and restaurants (any friends reading this, feel free to call me on this one) and having technology free holiday time (I head to Kawau on Wednesday and plan to stay offline until the following Wednesday). This may not sound like much for some, but for me this is a big healthy step in the right direction. I am also working on my acts of conscious mindfulness when using my devices as well and actually thinking about what I am doing, working on doing one thing at a time, mindfully, rather than jumping between tabs, skimming, scanning constantly - easy said than done, believe me.

I am also looking at developing my mindfulness practices in other ways. I already do Yoga a couple of times of week, I am looking to add to this regular walks with my kids and dogs (sans phone) and fortnightly sessions with a personal trainer (believe me it's impossible to be anywhere but in the moment when you are being forced to work out that hard). The cost of the trainer has been covered by giving up my daily takeaway coffee (yet another mindless behaviour I realised I wasn't really even enjoying).

The final way I am working on my mindfulness is, rather ironically, is by using a mindfulness app. The app 'Simply Being' is beautifully simplistic, offering 5, 10, 15 or 20 minutes guided meditation supported by voice and music or voice only. I am doing five minutes a night just sitting cross legged on my bed with the aim of working up to 20 minutes over the next few weeks. It is amazing what five minutes of simply doing nothing can achieve - well worth a try.

And it's not just my habits I am concerned about, as a Mum and as an educator I really do worry about their generation, at least we know another way of operating. I believe mindfulness and mindful use of technology is something that needs to be taught and modelled (hence wanting to change my own behaviours). I don't buy in to the rhetoric that BYOD stands for Bring Your Own Distraction, I believe technology must be available to all students, just as long we commit to supporting them to manage themselves at the same time. It's important to acknowledge that teenagers with devices are like labradors with food, they ain't going to stop gorging themselves unless you stop them (for the most part). Mindfulness in and of itself has a real place in our curriculum, increasingly we hear about schools who adopt mindfulness programmes and see all kinds of improved outcomes. It's also about teaching manners, maybe that what we need in schools - Mindfulness, Manners and Machines 101.

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